Grace

I've been trying to post these thoughts for months, but just didn't know how, didn't have the right words, wasn't sure He wanted me to. Then I heard this song, "Blessings" by Laura Story. I was sitting in my car when I first heard it, and I just cried because this gal had written the post I had wanted to write for so long, but didn't know how. She did it beautifully and is changing the world through her words.

The phrase "What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"...that's what I wanted to say.

I understand the phrase "What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise". My cousin who lost her little boy understands that phrase well. My friend who said goodbye to her son way too soon, gets that phrase well. My friend who kissed her baby girl goodbye without ever watching her first breath gets that phrase well. Those who have been thrown into the seemingly drowning waters of suffering most likely get what it means to know the trials are mercies in disguise. Would these mommies want their babies back...in a heartbeat I'm sure, would I choose a different route for my life...yes at times easier sounds delicious to me. But, there is something pretty spectacular when walking sadness, when being forced on your knees in front of THE God who knows, hears, sees, holds. When there is utterly no other place to turn but to the One who made the circumstance and knows the why but meets you where you are all at the same time.

I think when you've walked the road of suffering for a while, you begin to see grace all around you. I've noticed that this past year in my life, there are times where I'm overwhelmed at the amount of Grace God has given our family, sometimes I'm embarrassed by it, or even feel guilty about it. I was sharing this with someone and they laughed because they wouldn't describe our life as "grace", but hardships and "for pete's sake will someone let up already on this family." I don't know even how to describe it, but His grace is all around us, and I think when the suffering is great, I sometimes take my fingers and open my eyes wide until my eyeballs are bulging and I beg to see His grace because my goodness if I don't see it, I'm going to lose the fight. So, I practice looking for it and after years of practice, I see it quickly now, in large amounts and it astounds me...even in suffering, even when I'm sitting at the bazillionth dr. appointment or therapy junk, or reading my baby is at a higher risk for some big stuff that scares a mommy to her core, when I see a 40 year old man with Down Syndrome and can imagine exactly what my red headed 40 year old will look like and get a foreign feeling in my heart, when I'm making big decisions that will change a future, when I'm determined to thrive in a marriage when it is just so exhausting to survive, and when I'm screaming at FAS telling it that it can't have my little girl and fighting against an evil that nobody really knows how to help or relate with, when I've spilled purple paint and I'm crumbled on the floor crying over a life that overwhelms, when I wish someone would just show up on my door and tell me to catch my breath for a while....Grace, it's there, everywhere....It breathes for me when I can't.

When you are suffering there is nowhere else to turn but Him. When you are not suffering, there is a lot of stuff to turn to, there are distractions, there is time later, excuses. A ton of stuff to easily draw you away from Him. Our pastor spoke on that once, and said it's those people who have it rough, the person who is told "You don't have cancer", or the person who's job isn't in jeopardy, or the home where food is easily abundant...those are the ones who have to fight like mad to remember Him, to cling to him in times of abundance and ease....that is rough.

I don't know if I'm writing it right, I just know that sometimes a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know He is near.