Forever Began 7 Years Ago

Baby Girl,

It's going quickly isn't it? Life.  It seems as though I just sat at these very same keys to plunk out a letter to you on your Forever Day, and here I sit again, a new year.  April 12, a day, for many reasons, I will never ever forget.  April 12 was the day the papers were signed, that a man was qualified to declare you ours forever...a pretty amazing day.  I just sat here pulling up pictures of you back then. Back when you were this tiny, beautiful baby girl and everybody would stop to stare and marvel over how beautiful you were and how amazing your hair was.  You were a sweet one for sure, you hardly cried, and you were content to play on your own and let your brother do things to you that only brothers bare the rights to do.

You've grown, especially this year.  The gaps in your mouth scream that you are changing, we can't keep up with your hunger, and you're developing a love for all the things girls seem to get into to...I mean, how on earth do you even know who Justin "Bever" is my dear? It seems that no matter how firm I try to make the bubble for you, how much I try to shelter you, your learning...walking life and figuring out things like Justin Bieber, which makes my head spin and my heart beat a bit faster and my knees a bit more calloused.

You're coming alive this year, starting to get comfortable with yourself, singing and dancing in front of us, letting loose...I love this.  I love to see you walk in joy and forget about the other heavy things.  Keep acting for us, keep letting us giggle with you and be silly with you.

If I could go back and change anything for you, I'd carry you in my womb.  I've never felt that way before and I've always said I wouldn't have changed a thing.  But now, I think I would.  I'd have loved you like no one has ever loved a baby, I'd have nurtured you, sung to you, made sure you were safe for those 9 months.  I'd have fed you the most nutritious diet, ensuring your brain and organs were developing the very best they could.  And I'd have allowed you to feel safe to fall in love with your mommy and to give your heart and head the assurance that you are mine forever, you'd never even have that kind of thought.  I'd have saved you.  I'd have protected you from the deep pain baby girl, and   I wish with all my heart that it had been that way; oh my heart aches just wishing it could have been different.

But it wasn't that way, and you walk the reality of that fact.   But while you were growing in a different womb, you were growing in my heart.  My prayers were focused on you, I was searching for you, begging to find you.  I fought for you, I jumped off a cliff for you...a cliff that has allowed me to be caught up into our Savior's arms.  Holy cow that is scary, that free fall, that rush, but He has caught hasn't he? I can't change anything, but I'm determined to change your tomorrows, to show you love that presents itself as scary to you sometimes, but my love is committed, it won't ever leave, I won't ever leave.  Some people say that all a  person needs is love, I don't agree.  Sometimes a person needs more than that...and I'm that person for you.  I will fight for you, research for you, pursue, persevere, long, and run the race for you.  I will make calls, fight, advocate, and will not allow myself to grow weary long enough to quit...you've got me, I'm yours forever.

But even more, you've got the Savior.  He was there.  He watched over you those 9 months when I couldn't.  He watched it all, and I like to imagine him hurting as He watched, but all the while keeping His eye on His bigger plan, the masterpiece He had in store for His Kingdom.  He watched, but He ached as he did...He is so relateable baby girl, remember that.  He knows what it is to watch His own Son suffer, be abused, neglected, ripped apart, He knows.  I am so thankful he knows, that He relates.  And He hears us, He sends His Spirit to help, we ask for it so often don't we baby girl? Cling to Him, that is my prayer for you.  That you will allow Him to remind you that you were made beautifully by Him, that He formed you, He watched over you, and you cannot hide from Him.  You've got Him, He is your's.  Cry out to Him, let Him guide you, and show you His way.  Laugh with Him, whisper to Him, Dance with Him, live with Him.

You are my heart beat.  My description of love for you is more than a blog could ever hold.  No letter is adequate to tell you.  You bring me

 massive joy, you make me laugh, you give me goosebumps, and you keep me on my knees, which is where I need to be always.  Thank you for loving me, for allowing yourself to be loved.  Thank you for loving others, for caring deeply for the hurting, for trying to understand life.  I praise God that He is Sovereign, that He sits on the throne and he knew I needed you...perhaps you needed me too, but I so needed you baby girl.