The Update

First of all, I must let you know that yesterday was a peaceful day and I even took a 2 hour nap which is unlike me, especially when facing a challenging ultra sound. So I know people were praying fiercely for us, thank you we felt it. Even throughout the ultra sound we were wrapped in His peace.

I'd love to tell you that we had fabulous news yesterday, but it is not the case. One amazing thing (to us) was that the fluid on Carter's brain went from an 11 to a 6.4, amazed the ultra sound tech and made my heart almost fly out of my chest with the potential of a completely different joy filled day! But, I guess the docs weren't as impressed and didn't pay much attention to his brain.

What the docs ruled out yesterday was all the grey area. Carter seems to either have Trisomy 18 or just has a small nose with club feet. We were shocked beyond words and I seriously will tell you it felt as though the doctor kicked me in the gut, that was how shocked I was. I had kindof researched myself out of thinking Carter could have Trisomy 18 and was pretty much accepting the "Grey area"...thinking we'd be dealing with Downs or something similar. But, nope, we are facing either death or life, black or white, nothing in between it seems. Carter's characteristics are pointing to Trisomy 18, these are his markers...clinched hands that just won't open, a small nasal bone, and club feet; I guess when that formula shows up we are quite possibly dealing with Trisomy 18 and nothing else. To me it is crazy because his heart is good, kidneys good, etc. it is just those three very physical markers, but the doctor assured us it is completely normal to just have those three markers and still be fatal. Unfortunately the doctors experience with these three markers spell heartache for our family and we are once again, just blown away with sadness and confusion. Termination was brought up to us yesterday in detail, even though our stance on the subject was quite clear; which was so hard to sit through and made the reality of this all just so much more awful.

So, what are we waiting for? We are waiting to have it confirmed through an amnio, a test we aren't willing to do right now. There are risks of losing the baby with an amnio. And yes, we have been told the odds of that happening and my response to their statement was "Yes, but you told me I had a half of a percent chance I'd have a trisomy baby, and here we sit, odds mean absolutely nothing to me. They meant a ton to me 5 weeks ago, but now nothing." We are not willing to do the amnio until Carter is further along and could be delivered if something went wrong. Which means we wait in that stinking "waiting room" and pray for miracles still.

We have an ultra sound scheduled for about two weeks from now, they will be specifically looking for a "high five" hand. Hand/hands that are open in a high five position. We are praying mightily that Carter will high five us in that ultra sound. If he does, our chances of Trisomy go to only 2%, which is amazing to us. So, please, pray for a bunch of high fives and that he does not have Trisomy 18 at all.

Like I said, the sadness has flooded us again, especially when we think of our kiddos. Zachary wanted to know if Carter was better at all and we were excited to tell him his brain was better. I explained to him that Carter could still be very sick though and could get his mansion in Heaven before us (the whole mansion thing thrills Zac, hence why I chose that route with him). Zac was thoughtful and said "But I won't get to know what his favorite thing was." I assured him that of course Carter would think his big brother was his favorite thing. Then Zac said "No, I mean what he loves to do." I tried to let him know that with a big brother who loves Star Wars so much, Carter favorite thing to do would of course be playing Star Wars. This satisfied Zachary, but is just so hard on his mommy right now.

This sucks, it sucks beyond words. I sit here in tears, telling you I absolutely hate this awful priveledge. I completely comprehend the line that is constantly playing in my head..."lean not on your own understanding." It just is in repeat mode in my mind, and I get it. I can not even begin to understand, much less lean on my own understanding. This was the Lord's plan before time even began, and that is just something I can't understand most likely won't. The only explanation for this is for Him to be glorified, for perhaps you to find Him through the words you read. Right now, that is the only understanding I can grasp, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, when he spoke so incredibly clearly to us in goosebump ways last year, He was speaking us into this plan. This is what He wanted, that means it is what we want too...which sucks. Perhaps you can't understand how those phrases could be together to make up one sentence. We want what He wants, but we are human at the same time and sometimes the pain of what He wants is so unbearable, but His plan is so much deeper and more wonderful than we can ever dream...know how we can say that? He has amazing history. He is so faithful even when it appears not, my goodness, He IS. We've seen that in our own life as a married couple dealing with adoption, infertility, special needs, hospital stays, He has proven himself faithful and is so Sovereign. But even before the Plamondon family existed, He has the solid Portfolio, it's called the Bible..read it, you'll see He is faithful.

I want Carter to live, I scream that through my tears. I want to raise him so bad, I want him to have battles with Zachary in Star Wars and I want McKenzie to put princess clothes on him and annoy him greatly. I want that so bad I could break. I want sleepless nights, dirty diapers, I want to rock him and tell him of his great story and how God has grown us through it. I don't want it to be God telling him the story in 5 months, I want to tell him in 5 years. I don't want God to take him yet. I so want him to annoy me with whining and fussing, and make me laugh when he just says crazy things, I want to discipline and love him, I want everything with him. I am fully aware that it is likely I may not get that. And it is with discipline I pray for His will, it is not at all easy to accept. But it is with great might I beg for a miracle, and it is with firm promise that either way He will be glorified through me.

Note to Self...

Note to self...do not forget what has been spoken.

"Dear God, help Carter to be born so he can play Star Wars with me."

I Love Him

3 weeks ago, I was baffled by my lack of connection with this baby growing inside me. I was shocked that I wasn't head over heals in love with him already and couldn't understand it really. Funny, the night before the ultra sound I remember thinking that perhaps I'd feel more emotions towards the baby after I knew what the sex was. I thought that would fix it.

I left the ultra sound with more emotions than I knew I had, fighting love grew that day. When he became Carter to me, a love grew for him, the kind of love that aches...you know that love. A kind of love where you will fight till the end to save your child and will do anything possible to make it okay again. I love him fully today. He has taken his spot in our family quite easily and is talked to and about all throughout the day. An onlooker might find it oddly uncomfortable, but for some "God" reason, Carter is comfortably loved in our home by each of us. He gets hugged on, loved on, even fed plastic food by his big sister. I love him and that makes me so happy, even though the love brings so much stinking sadness at times.

Last week I was just thinking about him and I realized he's a boy. Funny, how important that was to me before the ultra sound...I so needed to know if it was a boy or girl...that little piece of information meant nothing to us when we found out. There were much bigger things to wrap our heads around that day. But, today...I'm having a boy! That is exciting because boys are terribly adorable when they are toddling around on chubby legs and when those big TONKA trucks roll out. Boys are strong and generally adore their mommy...that means I get two kiddos who stick to me!

Tomorrow is our next ultra sound...yes we are anxious about it. My doc told me that every ultra sound (we will have one every 3 weeks) will be stressful and that the entire pregnancy will be rough with emotions. If I were to paraphrase, perhaps I'd say the next few months might suck (but that would be a rotten attitude you know?) So, we know we are normal when we feel high stress over what tomorrow might bring. So, the facts...they are looking to see if things have gotten worse (more fluid on his brain), if there are other abnormalities they didn't find last time, is he growing normally, is his heart/kidneys/other organs still strong. What are we looking for tomorrow? A miracle of course. But more than that, we are just praying fiercely about the ultra sound and if you'd like to join us in prayer that would be so welcomed. We are praying that the Lord will be glorified through our actions tomorrow, that the fluid on his brain will be normal, that our ultra sound will be joyful, that our children's hearts will be protected, that He will equip us for His plan, for clear communication with the specialists, and for Christ to stay the foundation of our marriage.

Thank you for your prayers. We know you love Carter and I am thrilled to feel that too.

Father, tomorrow is a big day. Prepare us, unite us, and fill us with your peace. We continue to ask for a miracle Lord, heal his brain Father, help the fluid on Carter's brain to just be normal. Give us joy tomorrow as we see Carter again, and help us to bring you glory through our actions and words and heart tomorrow. We know you are good, regardless of what tomorrow brings and we fully recognize You as the Sovereign One, the only One who is able to know tomorrow today, the One who clearly has us right where we need to be, thank you for trusting us with this mission, oh God, help us to do it well for you.

YOU

"As long as Moses help up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. Moses' arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle."

Exodus 17:11-13
I've thought a lot about this passage lately. I cannot imagine having to physically hold my arms up in the air for an entire day, until the battle was completed...I can barely stand up from the couch without getting winded these days. But, I kind of understand the strength it takes to "raise your hands up" to praise Him in the midst of a battle and I do get how exhausting that is. I'm not at all suggesting that if my "Hands" fall down, my battle will be lost, nope that sure would give me a lot of power, I'm not saying if I have enough faith that Carter will be healed, nope...again that sure suggests I'm quite powerful. What I'm saying is, it is difficult to maintain praising the Lord in the midst of suffering and sometimes I just can't.

But during the past 2 weeks, I have felt my arms being lifted up to him when I was sure I had left them down at my side. There have been moments that praise and funky, amazing phrases leave my lips to Him when I for sure thought about saying something different. I have been baffled at times with the peace I've experienced these past 2 weeks and I have surprised myself with the positive attitude I have that is quite unlike me. I have been able to feel Carter kick and smile and rejoice over his life, I can stare at his bear and grin with a thankful prayer, I can listen to my children pray for their brother and not lose complete control over my emotions and still be thankful that they love him now, I can somehow sing the important songs to him without tears overwhelming my voice, somehow I feel more loved by my husband than I have my entire marriage which is magnificently amazing because he has been oh so good even before.

Someone is lifting my hands up to Him, because I know Kristen Plamondon well, and I am certain that someone is doing the hard work for me. YOU....it is you I am thanking Him for. YOU are lifting my arms up during the battle. YOU are pleading with Him for things I can't utter yet to Him myself. YOU are ensuring the details are brought to Him and He is piecing the puzzle together with little help from me. YOU are amazing our family by your words, your gifts, your Starbucks, your books, your emails, and mostly your prayers. What would this be like without you? I can't imagine. Thank you for not only praying, but for hearing the Spirit's nudging at times. Thank you for not only praying, but for physically acting, for holding up my tired, HEAVY arms. We are blown away by your generosity and especially by how the Lord absolutely uses the internet to glorify Him...what a powerful tool when used correctly.
We explained to Zachary and McKenzie that people were praying specifically for them. We shared with them some of the countries that had people praying and Zachary had the biggest grin. Somehow just knowing there were people all over the world praying his name brought him security and we are so thankful that we have you.

Last week a friend from Junior High heard the Spirit prompting her to quickly throw together a time of prayer while she was in town. She obeyed, we were blessed. Thank you for praying with us...some of you setting your clocks around the world to pray at the right time (like there could be a wrong time huh? ha ha). Friday night was such a gift to us, and we felt Him.

So, I am thanking God big time for you, thank you for loving us and for blessing us through so many ways. I am so thankful my arms are being held by you.

Silly, Wonderful You

Another Forever Day has been celebrated. Last week was McKenzie's Forever Day (the day we celebrate when we officially adopted her). She had a blast jumping at Bounce Jungle and then eating her favorites for dinner...salad and Mac and Cheese.

McKenzie, you take my breath away...whether from chasing after your high energy, falling on my knees in prayer for you, or simply watching you be who God made you to be, which is quite unique. If I had to just pick one thing I absolutely don't want to forget about you in 2010, I suppose it would be your empathy towards others.

I have never seen a human ever love like you can, much less a 4 year old. I absolutely know you did not learn that from me because I am learning it from you sweet girl. God has given you a heart that hurts for the hurting, hands that gently stroke tears away, lips that sweetly kiss the ugly in one's life. You blow me away by your compassion, your intuitiveness to one's quiet agony, your immediate knowledge that the struggle must be brought to the Lord in prayer.

Perhaps your experience with pain, with hurting, has shown you how to love deeply, how to ache with others; or perhaps you were just designed for such a purpose, a purpose only He knows, but mommy has fun trying to figure out just how your gift will be used someday. But today, your gift is touching my life; when I was stuck on the couch, you stuck yourself to me...loving me through a bizarre situation, you speak words of encouragement from Him through your 4 year old mouth, and when my tears fall you run to get a tissue and wipe them away...it is a picture of what the Lord must look like collecting each tear and bottling them up. "I love you" is a phrase I hear probably every 15 minutes, and your kisses and hugs have taught me to love touch.

I am so thankful for you McKenzie, that God knew before time began you would call me mommy. He knew exactly what I would need, something I for sure argued with him 4 years ago, thinking He for sure had gotten it wrong. Crazy thought huh baby girl? My goodness, my world is so much fuller because of your joy, your struggles, your intense love, your smile, your dramatic flare, your "in" with God.

Father, thank you for "Forever" with McKenzie. Thank you for knowing so much better than I 4 years ago, thank you for being patient with me as I accept your plan for my life. Thank you for the gift you've given us in Kenzie...she cracks us up and is 100% full of joy. Bless her life, help her to seek you and choose you, to recognize that it is only by your Grace that she can be saved. Help her stand in the gap, going against a society that is absolutely out of control. Help her to grasp how deep and wide your love is for her.

Carter's bear

Before our ultra sound last week Kirk and I had agreed we'd celebrate after by buying the baby something either pink or blue. After many hours of an ultra sound, we just sat in our car stunned. I'm not sure how long we sat there, we were pretty quiet mostly, well perhaps I was sobbing too much to talk, but we were numbly trying to process what was told to us. I remember saying "This is what it feels like when a couple is told their baby may not make it." I asked Kirk what we were suppose to do and he said "We're going to go right now and buy him his blankie." I just cried harder but completely knew that was what we needed to do, I suppose we needed to hold something. I'm sure we were quite the sight at the baby store. The tears just couldn't stop, everywhere I looked brought questions in my mind "Would he ever play that toy, will he even need a pacifier, will he snuggle in a swing." After a while the overly friendly sales people decided it would be best to leave us alone, praise God. So, we picked out a soft blue blankie and then we decided to buy him his first bear with hopes our children would use it to understand the sad situation they were facing.

We explained to Zac and Kenzie that it was Carter's bear. We told them that Carter had three owies that we knew of and the kids put bandaids on the bear where Carter's owies were. We told them whenever we look at Carter's bear, we could remember to pray for him, that God would heal him completely whether for earth or in Heaven. So, they know what is going on, they are part of the journey now as well. For the most part they (Or should I say the almost 8 year old) gets that perhaps we only have 4 1/2 more months to love him here on this earth. And that for a very special reason, God chose our family because He knew we could love Carter in such a special way while he was in my tummy and show him everything we wanted to while he was safely in my tummy. Zachary quickly grabbed a Zhou Zhou pet to put on my tummy and made him squeek for Carter, then informed him he would teach him Star Wars sounds later. For about 4 days Zachary would grab Carter's blanket, wrap himself up in it and just lay on the couch telling us that his whole body hurt and his tummy aches (Zac's classic sign for anxiety). He asked us that if Carter dies could he have his blankie to show his kids someday. The boy was processing so intensely, something our poor boy has been doing since day one of this pregnancy. The other morning Kenzie woke up and kissed Carter and asked if he was better yet, I said "I don't know, but we can keep praying." She started to throw a fit and screamed "I won't ever get a baby ever again." (She has a tendency to be quite dramatic in her young age, I have absolutely no idea where she gets that from:)) Zac just looked at her and in an exasperated way said "Kenz, God knows what He's doing." Kirk and I just smiled at each other because he was so right, whether he understands what he said or not, it is his foundation and the words of adults were being spewn from his mouth...amazing encouragement from God's lips to my son's ears to my heart.

So, life continues here in our home; there are moments where I forget completely that Carter is struggling and I truly convince myself that I must have heard wrong. Then there are random moments that I just get teary eyed, usually when I'm reading to McKenzie because I so want to read to him with him sitting on my lap next year, or when I sit in the room that will be his and dream of what could and might not be. And there are prayers spoken through many breaths throughout the day. And there are conversations with McKenzie's therapists about Trisomy kiddos and then I feel fear creep in and I get beyond overwhelmed about what the future perhaps hold. There have been lots of moments with just me and Carter in the rocking chair, his blankie on my lap and me just singing all the songs I want him to know, that he'll need to know about his Lord. Last week adrenaline and friends kept me busy, this week is more normal, as we count down days until our next ultra sound...the one that will tell us a lot more. (That is next Friday...you can start praying today though!).

Father, again, I thank you for the journey, although it may not be what I would have chosen, it is your plan I do choose because your portfolio tells me you know exactly what you're doing. I continue to pray for our children...all of them. Help Zac and Kenz to understand what they need to, yet play and laugh all day like they need to. Prepare our family and unite us completely in you...our marriage safe in your care, our children's innocence protected by you and Carter being molded by you. I do pray for a complete miracle in his life, and you know I pray that we get to have that miracle here on earth, but if that just isn't your plan and the miracle will look differently, hold us tightly and help us praise you through that storm. Bring your calmness to our lives and keep my eyes open to your encouragement each day...expecting you.

The Waiting Room

Today was the first day I was alone, something I had been dreading but knew needed to happen. I knew I needed to be quiet with Him, I needed to face Him, oh sure I've been praying up a storm since Friday, but I hadn't allowed myself to have that quiet needed to be real with raw thought and emotion, just with Him. So, we had it out this morning, I threw my tantrum, I pleaded, I questioned, and I accepted. I turned to Isaiah, a book that has brought me much comfort through the storms regarding McKenzie.

44:2-3 "The Lord who made you and helps you says: Do not be afraid, O Jacob my servant, my chosen one. For I will pour out water to quench your thirst and to irrigate your parched fields."

43:2-All of it..."Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

It goes on and it is all good, I just have always loved how he says "When"...one thing I've learned through the storms is that God doesn't promise to calm the storm, he doesn't say he'll cease the fire of oppression, he absolutely doesn't say the rivers will be calmed...oh he could in one whisper take it all away, but he PROMISES to not leave me, He absolutely will not allow the storm, water, fire overtake me. He is good. I tell you though, the human part of me wishes the promise was so different, the human part of me wishes he'd say enough already to the storms that have seemed to wash over us in the past few years, but He hasn't and I'm trying desperately to come to grips with that.

I met with some family friends who happen to be counselors the other day. She said that my married life has been spent in a waiting room. I loved that because it just made so much sense and was so incredibly true. I absolutely hate the waiting room of my life, God knows that tremendously, He knows I must be in control of all things and He knows I am constantly trying to refine my trust issues with Him, so a waiting room is the perfect place for Kristen Plamondon to have learned some valuable lessons and to be molded into me. Even so, the waiting room sucks.

Sitting, waiting for a baby, doctors baffled as to why it just wouldn't work. Waiting to adopt a baby, waiting to find out what was wrong with my baby, waiting for the diagnosis to crash down, waiting to see if therapy can change the course of autism, waiting again for a baby, waiting to see if we can keep our baby, waiting and watching to see if Alcohol and a woman's terrible choices will shake our future in a way that paralyzes one's thoughts, waiting for HIV tests, waiting for Cystic Fibrosis Tests, waiting for tumor results, waiting for lumpectomy results, waiting to see if my child will love me above a stranger, waiting to see if therapists can once again intervene to change a future, waiting for doctors to get my daughter breathing better, waiting for miracles, waiting to see how many times a little girl can get pneumonia before she just doesn't make it, waiting to see if isolation will work, now waiting to see what Carter will have to face.

I don't know if other people live in a waiting room, but the selfish me seems to think that perhaps it isn't typical. And boy can that chap my hide at times. Seriously, I can throw quite the pity party for myself...all done up with streamers and balloons...the parties get fancy all right. But there are lessons to be learned inside a waiting room and on a good day I can praise Him for the waiting room.

My goodness almost 5 years ago I prayed that God would make me real, take down the facades so I could be reachable and actually minister to people. Hilarious really to see how far He has taken that prayer, boy if only I knew then what I'd have to go through to get here, well I suppose I'd still pray that prayer. I remember one time during an intense time of waiting I just yelled "Where is your mercy now?" Know what I heard? "She is alive isn't she?" I have made lists in my journal of the terrible "crap" and immediately was shown where His grace was more than sufficient during the storm. The waiting room has allowed me to be completely in His presence, something that is so incredibly breathtaking that one can only fall flat on their face before Him; I know for a fact without the waiting room, I wouldn't have had that priveledge. Waiting has taught me how to be compassionate towards others, it has given me a ministry perhaps I never wanted, but am thankful for now. Waiting has taught me to love my husband with a love that goes deeper than candles and flowers it is rooted in a love that is defined by commitment. Waiting has taught me how frail life is and how to slow down to love often and in real ways. Waiting has taught me what it is to hear Him, to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are walking in His plan and I have learned that His plan is by far the plan I want even if it hurts a lot. Waiting gives you a lot of time to ponder His faithfulness in your life and to appreciate the fact he dreams so much bigger than a I. Mostly, waiting has taught me that He has hand picked me to wait and that in itself is so thrilling isn't it? To be chosen by the Master because He knows you are equipped and able what a priveledge (awful as it is)! It is the waiting in my life that has allowed me to praise Him in this storm, to see that He has me exactly where He wants me, the waiting has taught me to find immense peace in that and hope.

A Time of Prayer from A Friend

Prayer is a gift!
Ladies,
Please come and shower Kristen Plamondon and the new little life
growing inside with prayer.
Kristen, Kirk, Zachary, McKenzie & little Carter Davis
are experiencing some big stresses right now.
Let's come together and go before the Throne for them,
Join us this Friday evening, April 16th, 7:00 p.m.
at
Central Christian Church Gilbert Campus
965 E. Germann Rd.
Gilbert, AZ 85297
(Southeast corner of Lindsay & Germann)
We'll meet outside at the tables in front of the worship center.

If you are lost, please call Kristen at 623.203.2771

Drum Roll Please

Our Little One

Well, it's taken me all day to get the courage to write a post I never wanted to write. I cannot even wrap my head around today, much less find the words to write about it, but we covet your prayers and suppose we need a big shoulder to cry on. Before I begin, we are having a boy which made me smile because I knew all along it was a boy. And I suppose I should share with you a few details that I had chosen not to share with you before today, but I need you to understand.

Last year we clearly heard from God that our family was not complete yet, I won't get into the details, but we knew clearly we had heard from God to pursue fertility treatments. And with a ton of junk stacked against us, we conceived and knew we were in His will. I suppose that is important information because I just know He has orchestrated this journey so very clearly and that is my only comfort at the moment.

Our baby is not healthy and won't be healthy if he lives. We've heard words today like Trisomy 13, 18, Downs Syndrome, etc. It appears that our little guy has a chromosonal issue and the best case scenario will be Downs Syndrome from what we understand. The worst case scenario would be death, which is something we were talked to about too. The details are he has club feet, too much fluid on the brain, and his facial measurements are not normal.

So, how are we? We are numb at times, devastated at times, and the tears really can't stop. We cannot wrap our head around it and perhaps now really know the definition of surreal. There is a lot of why questions we'd like answered but fully recognize that we will never get that answered on this side of heaven.

I want to be real with you because that's what I set out when I started this blog, I want you to see the raw journey and not the facade I'm good at presenting. The raw truth is I don't want this journey, I thought I had been given enough to deal with over the years and this completely seems unfair to me. I am not angry today, but fully know that will come. I am highly confused that after almost 12 years of trying and praying and longing, this is the story we have. But I am not confused about the Lord at all, I know before this journey began He knew what needed to be and knew the path we would walk on and he picked us for some purpose to glorify Him through the devastation. I wish with all my heart he had picked someone else and I want Him to know that we would glorify Him through it, we have in the past, and I just wish we had been given the easy road this time. There has been too much sadness over the years and this seems like a rough blow, that is honesty tonight. I'd like to know how to stop the tears with each kick I feel, I'd like to know how to tell our kids that their brother most likely won't get to be with us after August, I'd like to know how to fit a lifetime of love into four and a half months, how to read a book to him, sing to him enough, show him Disneyland, introduce him to Star Wars, take a lifetime of pictures, let his daddy hold him and sleep with him, and let him know he is so loved forever all within 4 months. I sit here overwhelmed with the sorrow, scared to go to sleep tonight...to be alone with me and the sadness in the darkness. I feel frantic to give him a name, so he can be known, isn't that weird? I just want you to know him and I want to call him by name; such a meaningless frantic thought for the day. Even though the sadness and sense of unjustness is great tonight, even though our life was forever, forever changed today, I must let you know that God is good...all the time. And the knowledge of that baffles me yet is the absolute only thing that is getting me though this day. To God be the glory...that is a definite, whether I feel like proclaiming it or not, my foundation is able to declare Him as really good. The song McKenzie said was his makes so much sense now...Trust in the Lord, and lean not on your own understanding....makes me tremble when I see just how much God is in this.

What can you do? Perhaps you'd join us in prayer; for our kids understanding and guarding of their hears, especially Zachary's heart who has changed so much because of his little brother and we are just shattered for him. Pray for a miracle, pray that we can live in joy each day loving this little boy with a joyful love. Pray for great doctors with wonderful communication skills, and thank God for never leaving us or forsaking us. Pray that He will be glorified though this. The last thing, perhaps you can just cry along side us so we know we aren't alone. Thanks for loving us so much.

Getting Excited

So, when I sit, my underwear are folding over...it's official nothing is fitting me these days, but I'm just not liking the look of maternity clothes on me, ho hum right? I am starting to get excited, like perhaps there is a baby inside of me afterall. I've been off partial bed rest for 2 weeks, praying the spotting is officially gone, and am thrilled with how pregnancy feels when one isn't stressing out. I'm certain I feel tiny kicks and BIG flips, but they are few and far between as of now. Guess what...Friday we find out if it's a girl or boy. Sorry folks, spontaneity isn't a word one would ever use to describe Kristen Plamondon, (and perhaps it's a word I cannot spell) but control freak is a word I hear a lot about myself...therefore it makes complete sense that I must know the sex. Now, saying that, I joke that the baby won't cooperate on Friday and we'll leave without knowing...which would be a typical way of letting Him be in control (by Him, I mean God). But I really hope God is just tickled and laughing at the fact that I completely know I'm a control freak and perhaps he'll just allow this baby to spread its legs wide open on Friday!

When I was at a doc appointment a couple weeks ago, I was stunned when I heard the heart beat (yet again, for like the 13th time). Seriously, my heart flipped and I thought "Oh my goodness, I have a baby in me". It took my by surprise (I know I'm a bit slow and dumb at times) and on the way home I had to analyze my experience. I don't go more than 5 minutes without thinking about my pregnancy, but I forget about the fact there is a live baby inside me...moving, breathing, growing, hearing me, etc. After much thought that went pretty much nowhere, I narrowed the reason of my forgetfulness down to two possibilities...the stress and fear of losing the baby was causing my disattachment persay, kind of like a self preservation mechanism; or perhaps it is the 12 years of denying myself even the luxury of dreaming of giving birth, or experiencing this whole thing. Either way, it still puzzles me, saddens me, and is just one of those things that makes me go "huh". So, I'm trying to intentionally slow down and think about our baby, sing to him/her, just be still enough to ponder what life with him/her will be like...perhaps I'm trying to do what I am always striving to become better at with my already here two kiddos....slowing down enough to show them my love in real ways.

With all the rambling over with...I am super excited for Friday, to start calling this little one by name, to fall in love, to make some plans and get organized, to buy new underwear.