still processing

I spent yesterday at Triage again, contractions, yuckiness, and a little boy who's heart just wasn't "right" was how I spent the day. I am exhausted from processing what has happened the past months and what needs to happen in the next weeks. I am 35 weeks, which blows my mind. When I first got pregnant, I'd set little goals in my head, like "Make it to 8 weeks Kristen" And then "Make it to 12 weeks Kristen". One day my mom said "Hey, how about you make 40 weeks a goal?" That still seemed overwhelming to me, so I took it in 2 week increments, and now here I am...I may just have a baby someday soon.

It is a bizarre thing to go from thinking death, death, death, to completely changing gears and trying to grasp what life might be like with life, life, life...and then you add the diagnosis and try to figure out that whole thing and frankly, I'm a bit weary. I know nothing about giving birth, seriously, nothing. We never took a class because we weren't certain we'd need it and simply didn't want to know the joy we'd be missing. Well, after visiting Triage a few times, I figure a class is in order. I've been seen with my "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book again, I had put it down around 5 months and couldn't bring myself to study it much after. I'm having funky dreams about giving birth to a baby missing major parts (I'm thinking here is the anxiety of the diagnosis), and I'm starting to feel a bit panicky about this thing called labor and delivery...big GULP.

The "what if" questions enter my mind quite often, this must reflect the months of fearing death; but on occasion, there is a complete summersault in my heart that occurs when I think about meeting my son, holding him and getting to know him. Then there is a quiet little fear of how my life will change the moment I hold him and what Downs Syndrome will mean to me forever after.

Yep, I'm all over the place emotionally and I suppose physically too. Today, when I cried and couldn't stop for no apparent reason, I just had this deep feeling of my goodness I have been on a ride for a while and it has battered me pretty good. And now we're nearing the end of pregnancy and I'm scared to death at what that means.

We've been busy researching Downs Syndrome, joining support groups and meeting with people who can answer our questions. We've met with a neo natal specialist who has helped us prepare for his birth and his life and our life as well. And at times we are reeling while we try to process and at times we are so incredibly tickled that he only has downs syndrome that we giggle at such a crazy statement. We have financial fears, we get overwhelmed at what it will be like when his "oh he's such a cute little boy" stage turns into him being 30 or 40 years old, we are absorbing the shock that our retirement plans for just the "two of us" may include a third. But, one thing has remained a constant, we know we were hand picked for Carter, we feel extremely blessed to not only know this but to recognize it as a gift, and we know that God will meet our every need...and yes, we are fully aware that Carter will be the sweetest blessing ever and will change our life in miraculous ways just for being who he is.

These Two...

These two kids...I adore them; I have the greatest kids in the world (well I suppose I'm a bit bias, but they are pretty sweet). When we found out the initial results that perhaps Carter had T21, my first reaction was laughing hysterical through my tears. My first words were "Of course he has Downs"...but that is another post. I quickly added that Carter has the very best brother and sister and now their personalities make so much sense to me.

McKenzie was born to nurture, everything in her body screams compassion, sympathy, and great concern for others. It is extremely rare the amount of compassion she has in her, even strangers pick up on it. Kirk and I talk often about how she would make such an amazing nurse and mom. Since she started showing this compassion, I just knew God had big plans for her...wasn't sure what or why, but I knew we'd need her and her gift someday. And now I smile and my heart is thrilled...her baby brother will need her love in big ways...forever. Not to put a burden on my daughter, nope I just see her gift as such an enormous asset to Carter. When I allow myself to freak out about the "what happens when Kirk and I die and Carter has no caretaker anymore thoughts" I smile at the thought of McKenzie's gift. Not at all saying she will be his caretaker, we'd never expect that at all, but she will love him in tremendous ways, that we are certain of. When he is sick, which we've been informed that his immune system will be compromised (yet another post later), she will so get that and will cuddle up with him and reassure him that it will be alright. It is she who will sing "When I am afraid I will trust in Him" to Carter and she will know when to take it to her Father with him. She is a great gift to Carter, and in return to us.

Zachary, oh my rule follower Zac...I adore this child and laugh at how much McKenzie has grown from his personality and now Carter will too. Zachary needs to be obedient, he needs and thrives off order, he needs high expectations and wants other to follow. He gets disturbed when rules are not kept, and has a hard time with kids who just goof around and disobey...it makes his tummy hurt (love that). Zachary has taught McKenzie so many expectations in our home and has helped her tow the line. His personality has taught us to run on "lesson plans" in our home, with pretty big order and structure (which makes his OCD mommy proud). Zachary is loyal and although he doesn't show his feelings often, he loves deeply and hurts when others hurt...just is learning to express that now. He wants the best for everyone, expects it at times and helps them show how to accomplish that. When I think of Carter and Zac, I take a sigh of relief because I know Carter is in good hands with his big brother. Zachary will be a fabulous example to Carter on how to do it right, how to reach high. Zachary will love him deeply and will silently hurt when Carter hurts. Zachary will protect him without even knowing he is and he will understand how special Carter is because he gets how special McKenzie is. When we told Zac that the doctors think he will live and that he doesn't have T18, Zac's smile would have made you cry...the relief in that smile is something I will never forget. We did tell him that Carter will need help learning to crawl, talk, and walk, and that he might get sick a lot...and he just looked at us like "no big deal" and then said "Just like Kenz." Yep, this is normal to him, and anything else would have been abnormal.

Father, I marvel out how you've designed it all, how you knew we needed Zac first to prepare us for Kenz, and Kenz next to prepare us for Carter...and how you've brought about the perfect family for our Carter. Thank you for instilling McKenzie with a rare passion for the hurting, thank you that her struggles have taught her to need you and show others you. And thank you for Zachary's wonderful personality of obedience, and concern for others. Thank you for making sure Carter has a big brother like Zac, he needs him and I'm thinking Zachary needs Carter in big ways too, because Carter has already changed Zac's life greatly. Thank you for knitting us all together in such obvious ways.

Conversations with Kenzie

So yesterday we were driving by the Toyota dealership. McKenzie said "Is that where we got our car fixed?" I replied "Yep". She then told me "Master Yoda fixed our car." I said "Toyota fixed our car McKenzie." Then I heard her little voice going back and forth trying to figure out which was right "Master Yoda...Toyota...Master Yoda...Toyota" She's spent quite a bit of time with her brother lately.

At my OB appointment yesterday, there was a brand new baby crying. McKenzie was greatly disturbed by it. I told her that babies cry and asked her if our baby would cry. She responded with big eyes and a loud "No, he won't that is not appropriate!". Ha! I'm sure she was thinking, if he fusses, they'll surely put him in the corner like they do me...no crying!

Feeling and Seeing Pregnant

Kirk took this picture in CA because he wanted to capture the essence of my trip...I smile because of it. Years ago, I had spent the evening with a group of gals that all had children and many were sharing the pregnancy stories, the good, the bad, the ugly. Well, I suppose it was the bad and ugly they were dwelling on. I remember coming home that night just angry and told Kirk, how I wish I could have carried Zachary for 9 months, how I wish I'd be scarred with unsightly stretch marks so he would have known a mommy who adored him from day one. I went on to declare that if I ever, EVER got pregnant, I'd happily endure everything pregnancy had to offer, complaining not once, but seeing it all as a gift.

I smile at those statements now because I fully realize that my pregnancy hasn't gone too smoothly and by embracing everything pregnancy has to offer, I wasn't aware of the emotional trauma it could offer, the heartache it could bring, I was kind of talking that I'd gladly throw up for 9 months, etc. Oh well, now I know how hard pregnancy can really be...it can rip your heart in two leaving you wondering when and how the heart attack will come.

So last Friday I was in the hospital with contractions (why must that always happen in the middle of the night?) I'm writing this post at 4 in the morning because I'm having them again (again, why the night?). Anyways, I was dehydrated, they fixed me up and sent me on my way knowing a bit what a contraction may just feel like. Well, at the hospital the nurse asked if my baby had any health problems and I explained that we had just found out 24 hours ago that he had T21, but all his symptoms were of T18, so we had been devastated for quite a while. She sympathized and then went on to ask if I had had spotting or bleeding during my pregnancy. I laughed and said for 4 months. She looked at me and asked if I had enjoyed any piece of my pregnancy and I said "Yep, today I had a fabulous day, full of hope, now I sit in Triage having contractions." We both laughed at the irony of how crappy this pregnancy was! Never threw up once during my pregnancy, but it has been a HARD pregnancy. A gal asked me a few weeks ago if I had been sick a lot, had any big typical pregnancy woes, I just smiled and said I hadn't gotten too sick, etc. She said, that I was so lucky to have had an easy pregnancy...I didn't kill her.

But, I am super proud to share that I do have some of the fun pregnancy stuff...a while ago Kirk glanced at my stomach and said "What happened?" I said "I'm not sure how I scratched myself but those purple scratches won't disappear, I must have really clawed myself." He smiled and said "Kristen, those are stretch marks." I died laughing over the fact I was so absolutely stupid. Now I'm covered in stretch marks, know what my favorite pasttime is? Staring at my stomach in the mirror, simply mesmorized. Kirk mentioned there is lotion for stretchmarks and I got teary eyed and held my stomach and said something like "Are you kidding me? I've longed a lifetime for these, and I want to keep them for a lifetime. They are my miracle, a reminder to me of so many things." Yep, I love staring at my huge belly, trying to burn the picture into my memory forever.

My other pregnancy moment came at our last ultra sound. Hopefully this won't show how dumb I am (remember, my blonde hair is graying now), but how pregnant my brain can be. During the ultra sound, the tech pointed out Carter's hair flowing. Kirk and I were just blown away by it and then he says "He has white hair Kristen." I just kind of stared and said "huh", thinking it weird he have white hair when that really didn't make much sense to me, but hey, nothing about our son made much sense. Kirk laughed and said "It's a black and white picture babe."

So the other day in church, I made my way to waddle to yet another bathroom trip and as I stood up, my stomach plowed the guy's head in front of me,causing his head to actually whiplash forward, and whip around to see what the heck just happened. Tee hee, woops.

Last week I had a fabulous idea to sit on the playroom floor and play with my kiddos. After an uncomfortable while, I had had enough and tried to get up. I tell you what, I rolled every which way but couldn't for the life of me get off that dumb floor. So, I sent Zachary to go get daddy, Kirk came running thinking I had passed out, I just laughed and said I just couldn't get up. He rolled his eyes. In my defense, I've been on the floor since and have gotten up fine...didn't want you to think I was that out of shape.

Have you ever wondered what a whale feels like when it walks out of the water? I know what they feel like...it's like taking the last step out of the swimming pool.

And the last pregnancy thing I find myself doing...I sit on the couch trying to come up with a way to bottle the feeling of Carter's kicks. I actually get this desperate need to memorize how kicking felt. I try to come up with ways to compare it to something else so I'll remember, and then I get sad because I know I'll forget and I so don't want to forget that miracle. When I thought we were facing T18, I was frantic to find a way to write it in my journal so I'd never forget the feel of my son, and today,there is sweet comfort knowing I'll get to feel my son; but there is still that intense need to never forget the flutters, the jerks, the stabs, the rolls, the responding, the miracle I longed for just about forever.

Moral of the story...when you see me strutting around in my string bikini next year, drop your shades down to protect your eyes from my purple stretch marks, because I'm going to wear them proudly! (if you know me at all, you should be laughing right now)

Kristen, remember these words...

"Mom, when Carter is born, I'm gonna tell him that he has told more people about Jesus than anyone in our whole family."

Carter

After 3 months of agonizing, despair, sitting in the Lord's presence, sweet peace, and incredible moments of grace, it is over. I feel as though I am walking on a cloud and capable of taking a full breath for the first time in a long time. Carter has Downs Syndrome. What a sweet gift of perspective we've been given...after spending 3 months coming to grips with death, we've been handed life and we can celebrate Downs Syndrome. I love how the Lord works.

Our final amnio results came in and it is looking like the only Chromosone out of wack is the 21st, yes that's a huge deal, we completely and fully realize that our life will never ever ever be the same again, and perhaps we'll need to mourn that in time (we've mourned a lot of family pictures over the past 12 years of marriage as you can imagine), but I am confident that my Father has chosen me to be mom to Carter and He thinks I am special enough to be entrusted with this special boy...and that brings tears to my eyes because of the priveledge. Kirk and I feel as though we have been in training for this little boy for many years, as shocked as we were about his diagnosis, there was really no shock to us....but perhaps that will make a different post someday.

I'm sure I'll have oodles of posts regarding fears, challenges, times of just being angry or elated, but today we celebrate HIS plan for us and HIS grace and mercies.

You must know the irony of it all, all three of our specialists are baffled by this outcome. We were specifically told Carter couldn't have downs syndrome because he just didn't have the markers for it and the markers he did have were of Trisomy 18. When something causes the experts to shake their head, it causes me to recognize God as the Ultimate Physician, always knowing the bigger, eternal picture.

Know what I'm doing today? Dreaming a different dream, instead of thinking funeral services, I'm thinking of holding my baby boy at Christmas time, I'm imagining where his crib will be, and I allowed myself to walk the baby aisle at Target. Guess what else I've gotten to talk about...a baby shower, yep, in a few weeks Carter will be celebrated as we PREPARE to meet him, a thought I never ever allowed myself to think over the past months. Today I'm falling in love with him in a whole new way, a sweet love has entered my heart, it is a nice addition to a desperate fighting love I've held. This sweet love has allowed me to think about touching his skin, stroking his hair, and melting for him, it isn't a frantic love trying to be compacted from a lifetime in to months, it's a nicer slower love,one that can be savored.

So, the details...Carter has bilateral club feet and will be seen by an orthopedic surgeon in the hospital at birth. He will be casted immediately and will begin an interesting journey of casts and braces, but we praise God for this! As of now, Carter's heart looks good (very unusual for a Downs baby), but there may be defects we can't see via ultra sound, so the docs will decide if we go to a cardiologist now or wait until immediately after delivery or both I suppose. That little kiddo didn't ever give us a high five, clinched fists are completely opposite of a T21 baby, because T21 kiddos have low muscle tone and he wouldn't make a fist...weird. The last ultra sound we had he did give the thumbs up sign, which was sweet and the ultra sound before that when we were BEGGIN for high fives, he had his hands clasped like he was praying, which was a very sweet picture to hold onto. So, his hands are baffling, his nose is small, and his feet will be a journey. This little guy will have therapy starting immediately after birth (helps to have been doing therapy now for 8 years...I know the value of early intervention totally and I know some amazing therapists!).

Thank you for loving us, supporting us, praying for us, and for loving Carter. We feel so blessed to have you and we marvel at the team of support that Carter already has...he is so loved by you all, and he'll need that. We have been on a wild ride and a lot of you have volunteered to get in line for this crazy rollercoaster we're on too, we know it has been difficult for you to know how to "handle us", I can only imagine how uncomfortable it can be when friends are struggling, so thank you for taking us on! I know your prayers have changed our life and your future prayers will help us through the many storms I can imagine we'll bear.

Father, I stand, I stand in awe of you. And you know whatever the outcome would have been, I'd still stand in awe of you, but I thank you for this amazing gift of mercy. Thank you for molding me over the past 34 years to be Carter's mom, for equipping me with the skills and love he will need for a lifetime. Yes there are many anxieties that come with that thought, but I've learned something these past 7 months. I know the verse that says that you won't give us more than we can handle. I look at that verse differently than most, I have learned that a person can handle anything if they have you. So thank you for being on my side, for opening the door when I knocked so many years ago and for never leaving me and for always being my hope, even when life seems to offer quite a few hard knocks. Thank you for the agony of the past 3 months, for knowing it was what I needed for multiple reasons, thank you for being faithful, not because Carter might just live, but because you've met me in real places and you've never given up on me and won't. Thank you for sending your Son onto this earth to suffer then die, but thank you for not stopping there as all the others have...you rose Him up and He is alive. Thank you that the same power that resurrected Him is in me; it is that same power through you that has allowed me to proclaim you as good, to know beyond as shadow of a doubt that you deserve a sacrifice of praise in the midst of intense human suffering...that is all You and I am thankful.

I do pray for all the details of Carter's life. I pray for health for him as I continue to carry him and through his life. I pray that you would keep Satan from pestering my mind with irrational fears about what could still go wrong, I pray that you be the center of our family and our marriage as we enter something a bit intimidating. I pray that you will continue to use Carter to your glory and help him, above all, to know you, to somehow comprehend you and have a very special love for his Father..that is our priority.

Not to Be Forgotten

The one thing I want to remember from my third trimester.....

• when the doctors told me my son would live

I Have Never Been More Wrong

I remember when Zachary was around 4 years old; I felt as though he thought I knew everything. He'd ask me all kinds of questions and no matter what kind of answer I gave, he was confident I was right. Ahh, the good old days.

Well, nowadays, it appears that mom knows nothing. Like...nothing. Just the other day he comes to me and says

"Mom you told me there are 16 hours in a day. You are wrong, there are 24."

My entire body seriously went into a ginormous shrug and I said

"Zachary, I did not tell you there were 16 hours in a day."

"You did mom!"

"Zachary, seriously, I am 34 years old, I used to be a teacher, trust me, I'd never say that." (See, this is where I went wrong, should have just said...okay).

"Zachary I can't believe you are arguing with me about this."

"Well, if you hadn't said there are 16 hours in a day, I wouldn't have to tell you there were 24."

First Set of Results

Well, yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life...waiting for the phone call, and thank the Lord they called yesterday because I'm thinking my husband would have admitted me today.

The FISH test has confirmed that Carter has Trisomy 21, which is Downs Syndrome. This is a preliminary result and we will know everything next week. Trisomy 13 and 18 will not be ruled out until the next results, same with lots of other chromosonal defects. We were blown away, completely not expecting TS21. We were told that he couldn't have Downs, the only "Marker" he had was a small nose..the feet and hands are completely opposite of a TS 21 baby.

So, we are processing over here, trying to figure out something that makes no sense to us or the docs (exactly where God wants us...again). My fear is what chromosonal/neural defect is causing the symptoms we do know he has, what does he have on top of the TS21? We still don't know if he has something fatal or if he will live, so really, we are in no different place than we were days ago.

A peace has settled into my heart most times, but my husband is processing a ton and trying to take reality in, a reality that we really still don't know...so keep praying. We absolutely know God is doing this all for a reason since we got such odd answers, nothing black or white yet.

Thank you all for your sweet emails and cards...I know you've been checking in for results and have been holding our family up to the Father in ways we have felt. Keep praying for peace as we wait for another week. Pray for clarity, for miracles, for life and health, and just pray that our family will remain unified in Him, held tightly while we struggle at different degrees and with different things. I'll keep you updated when we know something more, for now we just wait and Be Still...and know HE is God.

Waiting

Okay...amnio done, now we wait. Thank you for all your kind emails and prayers; love you! We had our amnio yesterday which went well, still laying low for the next day, trying to keep Carter baby (as McKenzie calls him) safe inside.

We will have our initial FISH results by Friday (yes, like in two days...gulp). This initial test screens for Trisomy 13, 18, and 21. Then in about 10 days we will get the results for all chromosonal defects, plus some. When I think about the results longer than 5 seconds, I can get quite ill, so I'm trying to engross my brain in useless television and books, I've even been seen with ice cream in hand (perhaps already twice today...)

At the moment, Carter has the hiccups which cracks me up when I feel the rhythmic hiccups. We were able to see him all squished inside via ultra sound yesterday...he definitely has less room in there now! He weighs 3.4 lbs and we even saw his hair swaying...too neat! Kirk and I were always told our kids would have a ton of hair (we laugh because Zac and Kenz have major hair!! And now it appears Carter does too).

Thank you for praying as we wait, this week has been something I've dreaded forever and I know will be life changing either way. We have made it clear the docs must call Kirk's cell phone and speak with him regarding the results...I just couldn't take nearly passing out each time our home phone rang. It will be better hearing from my husband, plus I can tell him when I'm ready to hear (remember, I'm a control freak). My goodness, my heart is going insane even as I type this. Yes, I know I'm to cast all my cares and anxieties on HIM (the Lord), but seriously folks I'm a bit too human this moment!

Well, there's the update so many of you have been asking for. Also, I just made a new friend 48 hours ago who was facing Trisomy 18 as well. She just gave birth to her daughter Emma Grace yesterday and now Emma is in the arms of the Lord. Would you please pray for Todd and Heather as they mourn, recover physically, and care for their little boy waiting for them at home? Thanks for loving them as well!

My Heart Will Choose to Say...Lord blessed be Your name

Lord, you know Tuesday is a day I have dreaded for months and you know the following days of waiting turn my stomach upside down. I have needed to know and have dreaded to know if my son will live or die and now we are here; and I want only to turn around and run away as fast as I can and pretend that life is so incredibly easy and that all will be well. Fact is, all is not well, you know that, I know that, we wouldn't be here if all was well.

I'm not even sure what to say, all has been said, I am in constant communication with you regarding Carter, you know my desires, you've heard each plead, you've caught every tear, and you've held my tenderly and have allowed me to fall at your feet, a mess at times, and you've been my Daddy so perfectly. But you know that I've learned over the years that my desires can fall so short compared to the dreams you dream, the big plans you see and I've learned that I desire your plans more than my own. I am learning to take my eyes off myself and look to you instead, because you see tomorrow and you plan with eternity in mind and I trust that fully; even though it rips my heart apart at times.

When we were going through infertility treatments again, my prayer to you was "if getting pregnant can at all be part of your plan, then please let it be, but if not, absolutely do not let it happen, protect us from ourselves." Then when I started spotting daily my prayer was "if delivering a healthy baby can be part of your huge plan, then let my baby live and help me not to miscarry, but if not, help me through this." And now here I am...absolutely certain beyond certain you have ordained this and have allowed this and have caused this...I am where you intended me to be since before you created light. I am confident a mistake hasn't been made and that brings me so much comfort. As mind boggling as it is sometimes for this human mind to comprehend and for my human heart to carry, I know I am walking in your will.

You know I want my son to live, I've pleaded with you that now, if it can at all be part of your plan that Carter be born completely healthy and whole and we get to parent him...oh God, please let it be. People have joined us in prayer, petitioning you on our behalf. I know I can ask like this because your own Son asked before his death if the cup could at all be passed from Him, please do so. But I also know that your Son wanted to accept your plan more than his pleading. So I do ask this in Your name. And if Carter not being healthy isn't part of the plan, then I pray you hold me so very tenderly and be so real.

I pray for our amnio, the procedure itself. You know I've been fearful of the risks; I pray for safety for Carter, I pray that it will go smoothly and successfully...please no drama. Help Carter to stay put and continue to grow and develop in me until his due date. I pray for peace in our home next week, for happy children, patient husband, and for a pure heart. I pray as we wait for results you will fill us with a peace we have never known, help our minds to choose joy instead of fear, help the waiting room to be a gift instead of a dread for me.

I pray for those who do not know you, who cannot comprehend you as good; oh Lord help people to seek you, find you, and embrace you for a lifetime. Help people to know the hope that comes from you, even in the midst of devastation, trails, and suffering.

I pray for the results of the test. I do pray for a healthy baby, for a baby brother my children will play with, read to, boss around, and adore for years and years. I beg for that, for my children's sake in mind. But I want you to know, that you are so good. You have always been good, through every amazing miracle you've allowed Kirk and I to experience, you've been good, and through every storm that leaves us crazed and breathless, you've been so good as well. And I want you to know I will praise you in this storm, even if it leaves me battered, you will be good. Like the song I so often sing...

Blessed be Your name On the road marked with suffering Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be Your name  Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your name Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your glorious name 
"You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name."

What we Do...continued

We have been to Sea World over 9 times in since Kenzie was born. We buy the year pass (which happens to be the same price as one day) and that will be our trips for the year, we go every day and can't get enough of it. It's what we do.

Kirk and the kids bring their foam swords and spend hours in the play land fighting and roaring with laughter.

I usually join them, but this year I was found for hours with my swollen legs up and resting. Kirk needed to bring Carter to Sea World, so we did. My goodness when we walked into the massive play land, I just began sobbing. So, as they played, I pleaded with the Lord, something I found myself doing almost everywhere we went on vacation. Pleading that if Carter being born healthy could at all be part of the Lord's plan, then let it be; and if it can't be, just hold me tenderly and help us get through it well.

We spent hours touching sting rays and holding star fishes (Kenzie's very favorite thing to do),

we made sure to laugh with Seymore and Clyde and definitely made it a must that Carter experience Cotton Candy and Shamu.

It was a sweet day that will never be forgotten; our family of 5 doing what we do.

It's What We Do

Jumping waves...it's what we do. Our family can spend eight hours just jumping waves. Kirk and the kids run like maniacs from the "big one" and their screams can be heard by all. By the end of the day, voices are strained, people are probably sick of our screams, but memories were made for a lifetime. The Plamondon family loves the beach...and jumping waves is just what we did last week. When I discussed with Kirk about taking the family to Disneyland because of my need for Carter to experience it; he asked me "What is it our family loves to do most?" And immediately I knew it was the beach and that Carter needed to do some jumping. And yes folks, I pulled my 30 week pregnant body out of that water (perhaps 1/2 inch) and jumped away. It was a special time, as you can imagine...laughter was continous and tears dropped ocassionally as well.

As I sat, journaling to God on that beach, I found myself asking Him to allow Carter to toddle around on that beach next year, jumping the waves with Kirk and hearing his brother and sister scream. And I was reminded that this God, THE God is the one who tells the waves how far they can come. It is He that commands the sea and designs each wave and tells it when to hit the sand and what the limits are. HE must be an awesome wave jumper don't you think?

I hate conflict. Infact, if you ever need to address something that may be slightly uncomfortable for you or may be termed as a conflict, you totally should talk to me, because I just will get this sad look on my face and say "I am so sorry, I really am sorry." And it will all be okay again. It doesn't matter what you would have to say, it could be the meanest thing you could think of, and I'll take the blame and quickly apologize just to get out of the conflict. I'm trying to develop some confidence to be assertive...I'm sure it will come, but for now, only heart palpitations and sweet faces come.

The other day I was at one of McKenzie's specialists appointment. I had never met this physician's asssistant and am quite certain she doesn't read this blog and if she does, perhaps we better look for a new doc. Anyways, so she walks in the office and says "Hi, I have a question for you, why didn't you make an appointment two months ago like you were told to?" (can you envision her better if I let you know her hair was in a tight bun and she was wearing a business suite with glasses at the tip of her nose?) I was baffled and quite taken aback since I hadn't even gotten to shake her hand and tell her my name. I mumbled something like I didn't realize I needed to, and I'm sorry. (see how easy it is to walk all over me?) She went on to have a 30 minute session of just being rude and unfriendly and I walked out of there steaming mad (but of course, nobody would know that).

So, I'm in my car, debriefing what had just happened and then I prepare my speech, I then knew what I would have said if I had been perhaps a totally different person with a backbone and guts, I was ready to attack right then and there in my car alone. So, here I am today, ready to hear me vent? This is the conversation I constructed, and it's a beauty!

"You want to know why I didn't make an appointment two months ago? Do you want to know what the past 6 months of my life has been like? For the first 4 months I was on bed rest because after 12 years of infertility I got pregnant, but bled every day for 4 months, making me go absolutely insane almost hourly. My daughter who happens to have FAS and can't stay healthy more than a week and a half, who is known personally by the ER docs on a first name due to pneumonia more than 11 time in a year and a half...well, she has decided that independence is a word she doesn't need anymore and follows me constantly and has decided to show us a completely different personality other than the one that we had adored for 4 years. And amongst the countless meds, vest treatment, and therapists in and out of my home...You want to know why I couldn't make a lousy appointment? I am finally pregnant, and have had more share of crap (this would have been for dramatic flare...like it?) in the past 5 years than most people have in decades, and guess what (I'd laugh here), my docs think my baby is going to die. So, yes, I apologize for not making an appointment on time, but being here today, fully clothed is simply a miracle in itself."

Ahh, now that feels better doesn't it?

disclaimer:there was a smile on my face the entire time writing, there was no anxiety harmed in this post, only healthy giggles were affected.

I'm in HIS hands...you are too

McKenzie loves maps and globes. I love this about her because I failed Map Skills in third grade. I've learned so much about where things are thanks to her constant needing to know what each country and continent are. We have a map placemat that she lugs around the house, she knows California as Disneyland, even though I've tried to explain that Disneyland is IN California, nope, it's Disneyland (funny, while actually there, she didn't care for Disneyland, but from a safe distance, she's cool with it). And she loves this blow up globe so much that she has been known to sleep with it.

Lately her favorite song is "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands." She insists on repeating track number 9 in the car, over and over again...uugh. So, we hear the song perhaps too much for a 34 year old, but if I could pick a song to engrain in her little mind forever, what a good one!

She has a verse she designed herself that she throws in there..."He's got Zach, Kenz, and Carter, in His hands."

I have always loved how God uses this little girl to speak volumes to me. She has whispered His words into my heart so many times over the past almost 5 years, and I have witnessed Him through her voice (she has no clue, which makes it all the more amazing). This season, she is telling me He's got us all in His hands...who else would I want holding us up?

Hello Third Trimester

Things to not be forgotten about my second trimester...

the moment I declared my butt was shrinking because my stomach was the largest part of me...LOVE how it is dwarfing some of my normally large parts...awesome realization!

I've always loved soft serve ice cream, but this trimester I needed hard ice cream with chunky stuff inside.

The evening I thought I'd go insane because I just needed something sweet, seriously thought I was an addict needing a fix. (the raisins I chose didn't work)

Pei Wei's Spicy Chicken salad, need I say more? MMMMM good.

Feeling the urgency to organize and purge, it was intense and my aching old body couldn't keep up with my inspirations.

Knowing the exact moment I fell in love with Carter; the exact moment I begged to keep him.

Feeling so content and at peace when the situation was full of chaos and despair, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was sitting in His presence and He was most definitely speaking and acting for me.

Daily naps from 1-2 and the drool I had down my face every day at 2, you'd think I'd learn to close my mouth.

Staring at my swollen feet and wondering how swollen they need to get before you die.

Giggling the first time I saw my stomach shift from a massive kick.

The odd roller coaster feeling when Carter flips around in me, bizarre and free entertainment.

Holding his very first outfit against my stomach; crying and pleading.

Realizing the life verse I always prayed for myself Phil 3:10 "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings,becoming like him in his death." was more difficult than I had imagined and that God was answering my prayers and it hurts.

Watching each of my kiddos smile big when they first felt Carter kick.

Telling somebody that I had 3 kids, made me smile.

Giving Carter to God while singing "I Surrender All" and meaning it for the first time in my life.

Naming my youngest son and sharing it with the world.

Hearing people speak the name Carter as they presented him before the Lord; chilling just hearing his name spoke out loud.

Grunting when tying my tennis shoes, and then deciding they don't really need to be tied.

Deciding that perhaps sleep will not come again until December sometime.

Loading the dishwasher only 3 times due to a growing belly and abdominal pain issues...won't expand on that, just something I probably won't forget for the rest of my life.

Between my gimpy bad back husband and now my ever expanding body...the hilarious amount of pillows in our bed at night; last count 8!

Hearing our doctor say that God has a purpose for our son.

Seeing Carter's hands in a praying position when we were begging for high fives.

The daily decision of which shirt to wear out of the three maternity ones I own...white, black, or purple...tough call each day.

Explaining to friends that they will see me wear the same clothes all summer long and making sure they understand that isn't typical of me.

Yanking my underwear up every two seconds because I am way too cheap to by new ones.

The countless moments in front of google making sure I hadn't just eaten a huge no no and killed my kiddo....the stress of trying to get everything just right.

Craving lunch meat and hot dogs, two things I detested 7 months ago, but long for now that I can't have them...well I should throw in a margarita too.

When my husband said his son needed to jump the waves because that is what our family does. And how we shared tears over that decision.

How walking the walk is so much harder than talking the talk. And the amazing amount of times tears just fall and not knowing how much a heart can hurt.

They are Home...breathe

Every summer I look forward to school being over, I really enjoy having Zachary home and McKenzie loves it even more. This summer, I have longed for my two boys to be home, I've counted down days starting months ago and today is finally here. It is the last day of school and I am giddy with excitement! Kirk and Zachary will be home! McKenzie will have a distraction called brother, and I'll have somebody to help weaken the lonliness I have been feeling since Carter's issues began. Somebody to occupy my thoughts with things besides 4 year old tantrums, toys, inquiries...I'll have my man to help carry the load with me and I have never been more grateful for summer vacation before in my life! I'm not sure how Kirk feels about being home, but I'm thinking he is looking forward to helping his wife's mental state, since I know he is burdened with my burdens. And Zac...not so looking forward to summer break, as he ADORES school, but once he gets into his summer routine and the Star Wars Battles begin, he'll be just fine.

My goal for the summer? Have fun, laugh a lot, perhaps dust off my camera, do some boot camp parenting days with McKenzie, prepare for Carter's birth, show Carter our very favorite stomping grounds (more to come on that later!), and breathe. Not lofty goals, but very important ones...our family needs to recoup from some tough days and find lots of joy together...all within 110 degrees weather ha ha!

He Walks with Me and He Talks with Me

Writing here has been extremely helpful for me over the years. As much as I pray these words are from God, I have found that the words have been written to minister to me. Being able to record my thoughts, my tears, my joys has allowed me a record of history, and helps me keep walking when I want to stop. A record that allows me to see patterns, figure out myself, embrace Him, and grow through the journey. I am so very thankful that God has given our family such a bizarre tool to use to bring us comfort.

Life goes on here in our home. We are just sitting waiting for an amnio. We plan on doing it the end of June. So, we just live waiting. I'd love to report to you all that we are doing fabulously and that God has allowed us to be an example of praise through suffering. Nope, there are days I feel I'm hanging by a thread, maybe there are days where the thread is pretty much gone and I'm not hanging on at all, but spiraling out of control. Don't get me wrong, it isn't a tear fest around here, we don't mope around sad all the time, but it is difficult to be joyful, to choose that, and it is difficult to do more than survive. Kirk and I both feel that our goal each day is to survive, and that is something we are trying hard to change. With a fatal diagnosis looming over us, with McKenzie's FAS issues flaring up at just the right times, with the reality of her just being too sick too often since leaving isolation, meds, vest, and with therapies, normal life stuff, and hormones added on...it is just too much stuff...life was difficult before Carter's "stuff", now it seems unbearable at times...sometimes survival is easier to pick than joy. There have been a couple days of just wretched crying, begging the Father to show up, beggin Him to allow it to stop. But there have been many days where I have felt Him take my hand.... "and He walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own; And the joy we share as we tarry there, None other has ever known."

Before my last OB appointment, I just prayed for encouragement. I needed hope, I needed something that would make me smile. While waiting for my Dr. to read the latest ultra sound report, he looked over at the book I had brought with me "When God Weeps" and he smiled and said "Obviously you are a Christian. I am a Christian also. Which means we know that God has a very special purpose for this little boy and He does not make mistakes." He went on to explain that he has not and will not ever terminate a baby. He also reassured me that he would meet our wishes with regards to Carter's birth. We have been told that docs won't do a c-section on a Trisomy 18 baby, and Kirk and I just weren't at peace with not "fighting" for any breath our son may have. So, he calmed that fear and let us feel secure with him and gave us hope that He would fight for Carter if needed...fight meaning give us perhaps moments with him alive. I walked away from my OB with such encouragement and almost a giddy step. Nothing had changed regarding Carter's outcome, I just was told that this man who would care for me loved my Lord, and saw my son as somebody with great God given purpose. My heart was on cloud 9.

Laying in my son's bed during chit chat time...Zachary was asking about Carter. We were talking about Heaven and that if Carter went there before us, he'd get to scope it all out and show us everything when we got there. Zachary liked that idea, but was sad that he wouldn't get to see what Carter would have looked like here with us. His face showed me that the thought was extremely sad to him. We were able to discuss that if Carter is born around his due date, then whether he lives or dies, Zachary will be able to meet him and that doctors always make sure the big brother gets to hold him. He asked if he could hold him even if he was dead and I said "Of course". That brought him so much joy, it was a gift to see that. We talked about all the pictures we'd take of him that we could keep too. This conversation would not have happened 8 months ago...it would have looked like a little boy with a bad tummy ache, instead of a little boy asking big questions and finding peace through simple answers...that is God.

Carter is kicking a lot now (well, perhaps I don't know if it's a lot because I've never been pregnant before and have a "special needs" baby growing in me so his kicks may be way different than a healthy babies kicks) and I have had the incredible gift of feeling life. And as much as I want to hold that life forever, I get to hold it for 9 months or for however long I've been given. When his kicks shift my entire stomach, I'm able to chuckle and talk to him. The bizarre thing is whenever he is kicking up a storm, I'll put my hand to my skin where his kicks are and he completely stops....always. At first this frustrated me, but now I imagine him thinking "Oh, there she is, it's okay now" Like I'd found him and am meeting his needs through my touch. I know it is completely lame and makes no sense, but it brings me a smile and allows me to parent him right now...a moment.

I've been nesting, which is incredibly sad when you don't know if you have something to be nesting for. So, I've been frantically cleaning kitchen cupboards and drawers. Last week I just got sad...I wanted to be nesting differently. I wanted to be getting the baby clothes out, planning the nursery, shifting rooms so my kids can share a room to make way for Carter. I remember saying to myself...I just want to finger baby clothes. But it was way too much to fathom pulling Zachary's baby clothes out, I knew I couldn't handle that, and I avoid the baby sections of all stores because I just can't go down that road right now, so I was just sad about it. Well, the next day a friend dropped off a gift at my door holding footed jammies and the book "Guess How Much I Love You." I obviously started crying right away and my first thought was "What was she thinking?" But after a moment I remembered my thoughts the day before, I just wanted to finger baby clothes, and here I was given the gift of that. It is Carter's very first outfit, and I got to hold it. After talking to my friend, she explained to me that she had asked the Lord that morning what she should do with her day...and He told her that. He knew I needed jammies on that day!

Our respite provider (whom we adore!) helped our kids make a sweet surprise blankie for Carter. When Kirk and I got home from out date, they were so excited to show us the sweet fleece blankie they had made for their brother. It was incredibly thoughtful of our respite/therapist to provide a tangible way for our children to "do" something for their brother. What a sweet memory they will get to have forever, and something I didn't need to think of, plan for, and implement...someone else was nudged to carry out that task.

There are so many more little ways He has clearly walked and talked with me. Through books that people have given me, or through passages of the His word that have been emailed at just the right times, through Phillipians and Paul's waiting while suffering in prison, through songs, through tiny glimpses of how this all is glorifying Him, we have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams. Evenso, we fail so often at praising Him in ALL circumstances, and we are quick to lose it. So, if you're looking for specific ways to pray for us...we'd love prayer for us, as parents to enjoy our children, to laugh more, to be patient in disciplining, to be filled with compassion as we train our children, to throw survival away and to thrive with great joy each day, falling in love with our family and each other more each day. That is our prayer this week.

I Just Have to Post this

Kirk emailed this to me and it made me giggle. Read it for a cute kick...

Are you sick of highly paid teachers?

Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or10 months a year!

It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - baby sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school.

That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan -- that equals 6 1/2 hours). Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.

Now how many students do they teach in a day...maybe 30?

So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.

However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET'S SEE.... That's $585 X180=$105,300 per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here!

There sure is!

The average teacher's salary (nation wide) is $50,000.

$50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students = $9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student -- a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!) WHAT A DEAL!!!!

1 year in the working

Okay, I must update for you all...guess who won the football championship??? Yep, MY son is the champion (well, his team is, but lucky him he was on the best team). AND...keep reading, cause this is BIG...guess who got a touchdown during the playoff game...yep MY son! Just thought I'd update you all, since I know you were all concerned about my competition issues and some of you even complimented me on my growth....ha, perhaps I need to grow some more, because I am OVERLY proud of MY son (who happens to have a big trophy!! hee hee)

A few weeks ago, the kids and I were "paging" through this blog and Zachary commented that Kenzie was in it a lot more than him (ho hum, he is getting older and noticing things). I felt bad but because of the reality that he is at school all day and I'm home with her, naturally my camera is just kindof getting a ton of her, but lately, it's all been him, so I'm unbalanced at the moment, I'm blaming it all on pregnancy hormones. Frankly, I'm blaming pregnancy because I can, for a few more months, I get the wonderful excuse of pregnancy. Okay, so back to being unbalanced...

2 years ago Zachary asked us for a Nintendo DS. We replied quickly with a swift "no". We have big thoughts on video games/tv/movies so it was a no brainer for us. After a year of him still inquiring about it, we told him that if he paid for the DS on his own and understood that he'd only get to play it for about 15 minutes per day he could work toward that. We thought it was the end of it all...it isn't so fun when you have to cough up $135.00 bucks on your own when you're only 7. Well, save he did. He has spent the entire last year saving every penny and we are quite proud of his discipline and focus. A couple weeks ago he finally had enough to buy the DS plus one game. And I had the honor of accompanying him to get his DS. My goodness, what a treat that was!

He marched through that Target store with a smile on his face that I have never seen before...kind of like "I've arrived." He had his DS and game in hand within 3 minutes and after the cashier counted every single penny, we were out of there and his life was perfect!

McKenzie has also been saving for a DS of her own for a year...she has $3.00 currently and is beyond frustrated that Zachary had so much more than her....oh it stinks to be 4. She was telling Zachary and I all the people she knows that has a DS and Zachary pipes in "Yeah, but their DS isn't special because they didn't save their money for it." Ahhh, now that was worth it all...a happy parenting moment for this mom

Ultra Sound Update

Thank you so much for all your emails and more importantly the prayers you've poured in for high fives. Unfortunately, Carter didn't give us a high five today. Nothing has changed, which is bad and good I suppose. The fluid on his brain continues to be normal, which is a happy thought for us, but the reality is we still face great uncertainty and are in our waiting room still. They are still talking Trisomy 18 just because that is the most common with the symptoms Carter has. There really isn't a huge chance that he has Downs Syndrome...which is hilarious that we find ourselves praying that it is that...ha, perspective is sweetly weird sometimes. The doc mentioned there could be other neurological issues but decided it best not to even go into that...God's grace for this crazy mom who overthinks and researches a bit too much on something called Google.

We are discussing when to do the amnio, which scares the CRAP out of me (yep, I just said crap, but don't tell anyone). The amnio will obviously confirm everything for us, which for some reason is just an overwhelming thought for me right now.

The answer to prayer I have seen is that I am not an emotional wreck right now, which is a sweet gift. So, thank you for praying specifically for that. Also, we are certain that Carter has already brought glory to the Lord...and that is what it is all about, so we are thankful for those answers to prayers as well.

Thank you so much for walking this with us, I can only imagine how awful this would be without your support, your interest in our family, and your prayers. I tell ya, we should throw a huge party to just hug you all! Even you people in far away lands...oh how I wish I could squeeze you now and then just sit with a mocha and chat.

So, now we just wait (which I am just so brilliant at doing..NOT), we pray intensely and we fall even more in love with this little boy who has a firm grip on our aching heart.

Oh Father, I say that in a way I long to collapse in your arms. It has been a long day, no scratch that, it has been a long couple years...and I'm weary right now. Thank you for promising You won't leave me, and with you all is possible...therefore I know I can keep on, when I really don't think I can. I confess my disappointment in today, but do know You are faithful and oh so good. I don't know what your plan is, I wish I did. God if it is at all in your plan, please help Carter to be born healthy, and if that isn't your plan...oh Daddy, hold me tightly and don't let me go.

Take my Life and Let it Be

This morning in church we sang Take my Life and Let it Be...a hymn I've grown up singing, have loved to sing, but have completely missed the meaning, or maybe pretended to mean what I sang. Read these words

1. Take my life and let it be
   Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
   Take my hands and let them move
   At the impulse of Thy love.
2. Take my feet and let them be
   Swift and beautiful for Thee;
   Take my voice and let me sing,
   Always, only for my King.
3. Take my lips and let them be
   Filled with messages from Thee;
   Take my silver and my gold,
   Not a mite would I withhold.
4. Take my moments and my days,
   Let them flow in endless praise;
   Take my intellect and use
   Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.
5. Take my will and make it Thine,
   It shall be no longer mine;
   Take my heart, it is Thine own,
   It shall be Thy royal throne.
6. Take my love, my Lord, I pour
   At Thy feet its treasure store;
   Take myself and I will be
   Ever, only, all for Thee.
7. The first two verses are sweet to sing...promising my Lord that I will live for Him, telling Him to use my voice to his glory, that my actions will be for Him. So, easy to declare those promises. But today, as I sang further, the tears came quickly...Lord, take my silver and my gold, take my will and make it Thine, it shall be no longer mine; immediately I knew I needed to give Him Carter, because really Carter isn't mine. And for me to truly declare that I will give Him my will and ask to have His instead, I need to be able to give Him my son. After the hymn ended the church was led into "I Surrender All"...so perfect huh? It was this morning I whispered "I surrender all" to Him, for the first time in my life, really giving Him the one thing I'd never ever want to let go of, my child. If it means that I can walk in His will and I can live truly for Him, then I surrender all. The absolute hardest moment of my life. I fully recognize that His will may be for Carter to not live here on this earth for more than moments, but if that is His plan and if that is what will bring Him the glory He so deserves, then that is what needs to be, and today I surrendered that. And I sit here with human tears because I don't want that to be His plan, but I do want His plan more than mine.
8. I imagined as I sang, the day I enter Heaven...I picture Jesus standing as I entered with arms outstretched, a bottle of tears labeled Kristen Plamondon, I even saw His own tears sitting on his face, as he embraced me and took me on His lap and just held me. Then, He started to tell me the story, Carter's story, my story, all the storms that have rocked my life and how they all fit into Eternity's plan. And then I imagined Him, saying "Well done." Ahh, that is the life goal, and that is worth surrendering.
9. God knows completely how it feels to live with the knowledge that His son has to die for a greater purpose, to save someone. He has walked the hellish agony of counting down days until the torture. He has had his heart almost rip apart out of helplessness because He chose to allow it. My Father has walked this walk. And that is sweet comfort to me. He has lost a Son, He knows the wicked physical pain the thoughts of death brings. And then to bring it a step further, when He watched and when Jesus, himself, felt the excruciating pain, He knew very well He was dying for Kristen, he endured it for me, so that I may live with a hope that only some know. He already has known what "Take my Life and let it be" feels like. It isn't a bed of roses, it isn't peaches and cream, it hurts. "Take my life and let it be..." what a promise, it isn't "Well, I suppose you can have my house, or I suppose you can take my job, or maybe just some of my silverware..." No, it's "Take my life..." Sometimes that means more than a person realizes, and today I figured that out. Following Him, really truly following Him, should bring suffering...it's even promised in His book. If you ain't suffering, perhaps you need to adjust something (I always laughed at that and had no clue what it meant a decade ago). Suffering is sweet and worth it, well, I've mentioned that before now haven't I?

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me...I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10"

On a side note...our ultra sound is this Tuesday at 4:15. Would you join us in praying for high fives? We have been told by two specialists that if we see real high fives on Tuesday, it changes our entire life, well I suppose Carter's life. As Tuesday approaches, I feel the anxiety rising over the severity of the day. It is our last real chance for him to open his hands, because the bigger he gets, the less room he has to stretch out his hands. I dread Tuesday, which makes me angry at myself because I shouldn't dread getting to see my son again. So, just pray for joy as well. Every ultra sound has sent me spiraling out of control after, and the kick of reality is painful, even though I am at peace that God has me where he wants me to be...until I am in heaven, my human "ness" will always get in the way of perfection (always disappointing to me). So, just pray for us, that we will experience the happiness of being with Carter and seeing him kick at the same time we feel his kicks. Pray for miracles, for high fives, for good communications, that others will know eternal life with the Father who cares greatly for them, and as always, that we will please the Lord through it all.

Forever Began 7 years ago

Zachary, you have been counting down the days for months until your Forever Day (Adoption Day as you like to call it). You've known what you wanted to do...Rainforest Cafe like always, Light Saber wars with your cousins, Dad, and Uncle, and chocolate cake with white frosting and sprinkles...boy I love you for knowing what you want!

It has been 7 years of forever already with you...time has flown quickly. You are a pure delight. It is usually around this time that I spend some time in your room while you sleep and just write, cry, and thank God that He dreams so much bigger than your mom.

Probably the very best moment of my life was when I first rocked you in our chair, you were mine and I was most definitely your's, always have been. I just sat there with your tiny 9 pound body in my lap and cried out of the knowledge that God is just so good. Thank you Lord for that picture I get to keep in my mind forever, for knowing before time began what that rocking chair would hold.

Zachary, now I suppose it is Zac, as you've informed me you'd like it spelled...you are so fascinating to me. The way your mind works keeps my mind spinning trying to catch up to yours. The way you absolutely forget nothing, and how baffling that is to almost everyone. You are so smart, think so very differently, so mature, you desire to be obedient, you have the best smile in the entire world, and you adore your mom (which is such a bonus). Whenever I walk in the house you run full speed ahead (I actually brace myself so you don't ram into Carter) and hug me hugely with a total yell of "Mommy's home!" Best welcome a girl could ask for! When you think we're not looking, you show your sister so much love; you push a nerf gun in her hand and you two are off...gaining up on the mom and dad. You love to snuggle close to whoever is on the couch with you, usually your sister, and always ask to have your feet rubbed.

This year you have fallen head over heals in love with your baby brother. You've dedicated your prayers to him, you are full of wonder as you watch my tummy grow, and you love to kiss him throughout the day. It has been so fun to see you love in very special ways. You've spent many hours deep in thought, something you never know we see, but we pray deeply for your journey. You're seeming to contemplate your adoption, your birth parents, your brother who won't be adopted, and how he might only get to be with us for just a while. I ache for your sadness, I cry intensely for you, my oldest son. When your tummy hurts, my heart breaks, and when you just don't know why you don't feel well, I drop to my knees begging our Savior to catch you. Oh Zac, hold onto Him okay?

It is such an honor to be your Mom, to get to be the one you welcome into your bed at night and just chit chat. To be loved by you is a gift, and to love you is the most amazing thing ever. Thank you for being ours, forever.

Father, again, I marvel at the privedledge you've given me in being called mom. Thank you for Zachary and for all he is. Thank you for his growth in you this year, for his tenderness that thrills us, for the way he loves his sister and cares greatly about well being and joy level. Thank you that he is adoring his daddy and is loved by all. I just pray for him, hold him tight Lord through the journey he began this year. I know he is being molded into something great, but sometimes it just hurts to watch him hurt and to know it might just get a whole lot more complicated with time. Help it to be You he seeks, not worldly ideas or friends, but you. When he doesn't get it, help him to get You, turn to you, devour your Word to understand what you'd want from him. Help him to move from Bible stories and rehearsed prayers to seeing you as real, developing a true relationship with his real Father. Help him to ask the questions he needs to for us to show him who You are and what you can do for him. And as always, I pray that Zac will grasp how deep and how wide your love is for him and what your death and resurrection means in his life. Thank you for letting us have him; thank you for the unanswered prayers yelled years ago, for answering them according to your will, not mine. What I would have missed if I hadn't followed You. Thank you for that history and how it comforts me greatly today. Grow him into a young boy, young man, and man that is hungry for you, seeking you in all he does. Thank you for placing him into my arms almost 8 years ago, and for beginning our forever 7 years ago.

Future Cardinal Player????

Zachary has been asking us for a while to play football. So, we signed him up and have been dragging our chairs each Saturday morning to sit and watch. If you are new to this blog, I must let you know I'm extremely competitive...like almost cry when my kid beats me at Wii...I have issues I know. Anyways, Zachary has been busy learning football and all the terminology that goes with it. He says he wants to be a Cardinals player, we inform him perhaps he should try to catch the ball first.

Zachary isn't competitive, isn't God good? (there was sarcasm in there, please detect that). He is super fast at running, does great at playing football with Daddy in the grass, but when he is at a game...nope, there is just little agression and he just seems to be okay with not being the star. Perhaps that is really good, the verdict is still out on that one; you should have seen me the first couple soccer seasons...seriously I was a wreck. My husband (and a few other people) had to remind me that I wasn't the coach and wasn't really allowed to yell from my seat. Uugh, why sign up then huh? I was just so messed up over the fact my child just didn't care if he kicked the ball, scored a goal, etc. Like, seriously my blood pressure was out of control for at least hours after a game.

I have grown folks... now I just sit quietly, surrendered to the fact that Zac loves football and perhaps love is enough...no touchdown needed, no catching required, it's just fun to play. So I melt in the heat quietly, not even a yell from me (well, almost). I have reminded him of his dreams to be a Cardinals player, just in case he forgot that he needs to work towards that...he informed me that he is going to be a missionary instead...works for me.

Mama, Mommy, Mom

Mama, Mommy, Mom...the three greatest words ever. I have not forgotten the intense longing one has when they want so bad to be called one of those words. I remember many Mother's Days in tears, wishing I could figure out God's plan (hmmm, funny, here I sit doing the same thing...you'd think I'd learn). And then, that first mother's day, my goodness to hold my baby in my arms on Mother's day...was a picture I have forever engrained in my mind. I remember standing up when the pastor asked all the mom's to stand so the men could clap and I thought I was all that...I mean give this mom a corsage...I had a bit of pride going on, still do.

I love the progression of the words Mama, Mommy, Mom.

Mama: The first time I said "Mama" out loud to my son was such a bizarre, almost alarming sound. It was a word I longed to hear, but just so surreal when I finally got to use it. Mama...a word begged by all moms for their little one to say. "Say Mama"...and when they finally say that magical word...my goodness, you know, don't you? The feeling that you have arrived, that you have become somebody's forever hero, (one can dream eh?) that all is completely perfect with the world, because your little one has created magic with one word...Mama. Mama is the word of sweet innocence, amazing beginnings...I love that word.

Mommy: From Mama, we enter Mommy. I like Mommy, although was a bit sad when Mama wasn't spoken as often. Mommy is excitement, full of joy...like when you get home and they come running full force at you exclaiming "Mommy's home" and then plow you over with a huge hug. Mommy is sweet, endearing, a word you know will fade too quickly, because you just don't hear a 31 year old man saying "I love you Mommy" now do you? Mommy seems to be for a moment, a moment full of pure delight. Mommy is a word they revert back to when they are sad, when they are full of joy, when they hurt, it is a word that tugs at my heart.

Mom: From Mommy we come to the final destination...Mom. Ahh, that is a comfortable word isn't it? When I was first called Mom, I was highly sad over this new progression, but now, it is just so right. It is what I will be called for the rest of my life, it speaks "all is just well" to me. Perhaps it doesn't hold that endearing magic of Mama, or the emotions of Mommy, it is simple, Mom means you've arrived. Like there is a deep trust from them, a respect, an assurance that you aren't going anywhere...just so comforting. It is Mom who can hold you when life is just not going as planned, it is mom we call when we need a good cry, it is Mom. So, Mom is pretty sweet and I'm glad I've graduated to it.

But, there are those moments where "Mommy" is exclaimed and my heart flips again. And those rare times when my 4 year old is hurt and just climbs into my lap and says "Mama" and then I'm right back in that rocking chair with a bundle in my arms and the magic is back. I love those three words...possibly the best words ever. Perhaps some people roll their eyes when they hear one of those words, because that means the needy kiddo needs yet another something. Or perhaps they cringe when "Mom" is spoken at the end of a day and you are just exhausted beyond anything your husband could ever comprehend. I admit, although I wish I was perfect and could just tell you otherwise, you bet there are times (as of late especially) that I catch my eyes in the middle of a roll, usually right when I'm closing their bedroom door and am lunging onto the couch to check out. But when I slow down, remember where I used to be and where the Lord has allowed me to come...my goodness, the sweetness of hearing "Hey mom..." is the greatest gift this Mother needs.